Monday, October 02, 2006

Gettin' it

You know that old adage, "Be careful what you wish for, you just may get it"? Yeah, that one. Well, I wished for grad school. I wished to strike out on my own after 15 years of living with my husband (and roommates before that and parents before that except for one summer) and become a scientific superstar. Well, I got part of it. I'm in grad school and I'm out on my own. Rather, I'm all alone. Alone when I find out that my husband is not doing so well -- he's having some health problems (and though he's not alone - his mother is there - he's not with me and I'm being a horrible wife, etc. etc. -- this is my own guilt, he's being a sweetheart) -- alone when my computer dies -- which is my main source of information, entertainment and acedemic research -- alone when it storms and is dark and beautiful and scary and did I mention dark? Not that I'm afraid of the dark, but there's something about all of that that can make it obvious just how alone you really are.

I'm not really complaining, I'm just going through some time of wondering. Since I first decided to apply to PhD programs, people have been asking me, "What are you going to do when you're done?" and I've been evasive, hoping that in five years this answer will become clear to me. But, really, what am I going to do when I'm done? Some people think that a PhD in biological sciences/molecular biology means that the gravy train will be rolling in. And that's simply not true. Money certainly isn't the sole reason to do anything, but it is a consideration when you're basically doing a five-year stint to increase your education so you can get a job at the other end. Which, let's face it, is what I'm doing.

I don't know what I'm trying to say, and I don't think there's anything I really need to hear. I'm just spilling my guts because some say that's what these here blogs is for. I'm not content right now. I can't focus on anything. For awhile I just thought it was an ADD phase I'm prone to. But yesterday I cried about 18 times and that's not usually part of it. The hard thing to admit is, I'm not loving grad school and I really, really thought I would. I'm not going to do anthing rash about it. I'm going to ride this out and see what happens. It's all I can do. Right now, I'm woefully unprepared for an exam that will take place in about an hour and a half and I should go cram whatever I can.

And yes, I did say my computer died. So updates are going to be sparse until I figure out what do to about that.


Anonymous said...

Don't worry sugar. You'll figure it out. These are just growing pains. You're taking on big stuff and you'd be nuts *not* to cry at least 18 times a day.

Tricia said...

But what about your friend the bus driver? Okay, j/k! I wish I had it all figgered out, then I could console you with something wise. But I don't understand all this education/job stuff either. I mean, having an education is definitely better in the job arena than not having one, but out here in the oh-so-fufilling work world, I often feel like the payoff has been slim considering the energy I put into my degree. And yet, don't regret having gotten it at all. . . I don't know what I'm trying to say either. Sometimes your purpose in life is clear, and sometimes, you chop wood, carry water. How's that for wise?

Thinking of you--


Melissa said...

I love you. You are experiencing a tough adjustment, with the unnecessary stress of Gator having all these problems. You have to give yourself permission to be lonely, and to be scared, and to need other people. (can't tell what my degree is in, can you?) It's okay to cry----but NOT 18 times a day! Keep things in perspective, love, and give everything some time. It all works out the way it is supposed to.