Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I vahnt to be alone

My inner child takes over occasionally. Ordinarily, this can be considered a good thing -- being carefree, innocent, even silly. This is just fine. But my inner child has a long-held neurosis that my outer adult can't shake. And it drives me nuts.

I can't pee in a public restroom if someone else can hear me.

By myself in a public restroom? No problem. Big, busy bathroom with many people coming and going, toilets flushing, conversations going on, sinks running? Also, no problem. Small, quiet, two-stall restroom with a single other pair of feet in the room. Not happening. It's like my pee suddenly got really shy and decided to high-tail it right back up into my kidneys. And I run into this sort of thing almost every day.

I've tried everything -- clearing my mind, thinking of diving into an ice-cold pool, wearing my MP3 player and turning it up really loud so I can't hear the silence, waiting until I have to go so badly that I almost pee in the hallway. It don't matter, kids.

So, what do I do in these situations? My inner child plays all sorts of games to get out of them. Walk into the bathroom and see that other pair of feet? Easy. Pretend you only came in for the sink, wash hands, rustle toweling, leave and find another, empty, restroom. Someone else comes in once I'm settled but before the business at hand has been taken care of? Simple. Pretend I'm already done, get up, flush, wash hands, leave and find another, empty, restroom. Don't notice there's another person in the room until you're already in the stall? Ummmm. Pretend you're there for other feminine reasons, rustle around, lift lid of special little trashcan, repeat above scenario.

This is stupid. Oh, I know it.

So I've decided to try something new and novel to try to shake my inner child into seeing reason and just freaking peeing already. You guessed it, my new idea is to declare this insanity to the world in a fit of Blogging Therapy in hopes of curing myself via the innernets.

Hello. My name is Sus and I have peeing issues.

This is also stupid. Oh, I know it.

But don't you feel so much closer to me now?



jmk said...

Oh, I do feel much closer to you now. I too suffer from bashful bladder, though, fortunately, not to the same debilitating degree that you do. I do eventually manage to pee but not before arm-wrestling my bladder control into submission, metaphorically speaking.

Now, no. 2's on the other hand... My inner child and your inner child must have been separated at birth. Been there, done that. Hello. My name is Judy and I have, well, I just have issues!

Sus said...

Oh, no. 2's?? Oh, that simply does not happen away from home. Ever.



Dorothy said...

I used to have those issues when I was young, but accidentally peeing my pants in public while trying to find an empty bathroom cured me of that right quick. Fortunately I was only nine and there was only a teacher and a janitor in the hall at the time.

Don't you feel closer to me now? ;D

Sus said...

Dorothy --
Yes, I feel much closer to you now. I can only hope that I don't require such drastic measures. :)

Melissa said...

Whistling, my dear! That's the answer!!! Of course, you don't have to actually make the sound of whistling since others might think that a bit odd, but just pretend to whistle. It has something to do with the way the muscles in your body work. Seriously. Sister Annette told me this before I had to pee at the doctor's office once, she got the info. from a nurse during pregnancy when she had to pee for them all the time and had trouble. And it really works! Yeah, as for #2, you know I'm totally in the same boat. Only at home, or oddly enough in the bathroom in the basement of your Dad's store. Wonder if that would still work since someone else owns the place now? Kinda doubt it...